Today is Mother's Day. I'm tryin, but totally can't help but be sad. Last year we took Lulu to the flower fields. She was utterly miserable the whole time, feeling the full effects of the horrific intensive powerful chemotherapy and the self-consciousness of being bald. She screamed a lot the whole way up there, didn't want anything to do with brave, wanted to hide in her stroller, but we were able to convince her to get on the train for a little ride. Boss held her and she grumpily stared out at the beautiful sea/flower landscape. It was a really crappy day. And looking back on it, I guess I didn't realize just how much pain she was in. I wish I would've had more grace with her. For as shitty as that Mother's Day was, I long for that time back for a redo. I thought about myself a little bit too much, and I guess I just didn't quite understand how horrible she felt in every way. I will say, the night ended with me singing her peacefully to sleep, as it will tonight.
This Mother's Day we had the lucky privilege to have Ayzia over. So really, what more could a mother want? Seeing her daughter with her best friend, doing (almost) exactly what they would be doing if she were 100% healthy and functional (cuddling, reading, watching movies). So, even though this really isn't the typical Mother's Day I dreamed of, all I can ask for is to be with her.
Fuck the spa or the brunch or the flowers or any of that shit (which isn't shit, it's amazing and all things I LOVE to do ALL the time, and if you did that on Mother's Day, bravo to you I say!!!)....but this year it all don't matter none cause I have my LULU. She can't talk. She can't run or walk. She is 6 1/2 years old and still wears a diaper. She can't move her body or tell us what she wants. She can't enjoy the salty taste of food or eat her favorite thing in the whole world: crunchy pirate booty. Shes constantly pumped with medicine and 'food' via her stomach. Her once beautiful golden curly thick hair is now a short mess of stringy dark straw. She can't swim. She can't hold me or tell me she loves me. But I know she does. And so this Mother's Day, I can't help but feel the indescribable grief of the loss of her former self...but I also feel the HONOR, the honor I have been bestowed in caring for her.
i've always said, mothers come in all shapes and sizes, you don't have to give birth or adopt to be one. All you have to do is show a type of nurturing love and empathy, one that provides a sense comfort and belonging for someone else, boom= mom.
I was pretty upset earlier. Hubbs didn't get me anything. He is in a deep grief of his own right now and I think it literally didn't even cross his mind. Upon realizing my (not even remotely thinly veiled) attempt to hide my disappointment, he surprised me at the end of the night with a huge quart of mint chip ice cream from Baskin-Robbins. You know, the kind of junk food crap I exhaustingly tell people NOT to eat all the time. Yeah, well I caved and shoveled that into my mouth like the hypocritical glutton I am (perfect timining before my hardcore cleanse I am embarking on tomorrow...And it was delicious, even though I'm in a post-indulgence shame spiral of stomach cramps.)
And I gave some to Amelie, so there. She deserves a treat too.
Today I am reminded of all the women out there who've been a 'mama' to Amelie as well. So many of you, our beloved friends and family, the nurses, have watched her, sat with her in the hospital or next to her bed, read to her, cared for her, changed her poopy diapers, prayed for her, brought her treats and presents, all with the same love and tenderness as if she were their own. To all you amazing women, THANK YOU and today is a celebration of you.
So, as 'our' daughter is here with us, I am blessed to witness the unfaltering unconditional love of Amelie ....with her best friend by her side.
ps I also got to witness young Bravery swim the entire length of the pool on his own for the first time today. Future Olympian! Watch out Michael Phelps, we got a Bravery up in here!!