Thank you for the outpouring of support. I have not been able to respond individually yet, but please be patient as in time I will. In the interim, please know we are deeply grateful for each and every one of you. DEEPLY.GRATEFUL.
People have been profusely asking about services for our darling Amelie. We are not having a service right away. There will be a Celebration of LIFE planned for end of September. This is my decision. In all honesty, I need time.
I am profoundly astonished at the depth of grief I am experiencing. It is not something I expected, especially in light of the fact that, throughout this two year journey, I have been naturally hopeful and impossibly upbeat...it was authentic and real, not a gimmick or bullshit in any way shape or form. I was tapped into the power of Jesus and Buddha and community and love, and Amelie's spirit filled me every day with purpose and such an inexplicable power that I could not be defeated...yet I am now coming to realize just how traumatic this journey was, the details of which are being 'unpacked' in my mind daily now, and it's hitting me like a freight train to the heart. I don't know if anyone even wants to hear about it, b/c it was just.plain.awful.
(I will say, today I 'unpacked' the items in the house that spoke to her being a quadriplegic. The oxygen air compressors, the machines, her wheelchair, her bath chair, the special wedge cushions, the hundreds of syringes, gauzes, gtube supplies, etc. I opened my cabinet to get tea, and my gut wrenched at the INSANE amount of medications she used to get on the triple daily. Meds for seizures, nausea, pain, constipation, diarrhea, CBD, mouth sores, radiation burn creamed, numbing creams, secretions, more nausea, more pain, sleeping, vitamin D for sun deficiency, supplements, antacids, probiotics, and the list goes on. Those meds were promptly removed. We have decided to donate most of this equipment to those less fortunate, children with cancer in Tijuana who quite literally have NOTHING and to those who will never have the luxury of our incredible health insurance. The few pieces I am selling, will use $$ to take Bravery on vacation somewhere. He needs to be reminded that there is a whole world of fun outside of these walls. In fact, I think I need to be reminded of that more than he does.)
Her suffering has ended, she is running and playing hide and seek with Jesus, no doubt. The loss of this child from my daily life has created such a vast, seemingly endless dark hole, one I did not anticipate, I need time to discover who I am without her. I don't really want to, I am fighting it (going against my own philosophies, I am aware).
That aaaaaalllllllllll being said........Tho my grief be deep, but my faith remain deeper. I TRUST. This is all I know.
Our darling Amelie is being cremated tomorrow at 10:00am. Only Daddy and I will be there. Daddy will be in full dress uniform, in honor of Amelie and Independence Day. It is a fitting time, as it was JT's favorite holiday, and a day that represents FREEDOM. There is no better day in all the year for such an act, for tomorrow her earthly body will cease to exist, and the final piece of her FREEDOM from the oppression of tyrannical, debilitating disease will be in place.
So tomorrow, as you celebrate with hot dogs, fireworks, bbqs, beach parties, beer...please take a moment to remember a few things....
What Independence Day is REALLY about, and express gratitude that you are FREE to live your life outside the walls of a hospital room or wheelchair or political prison. It's a beautiful thing, this thing called freedom, something we (yes, even preachy me) completely take for granted.
My dear Amelie, you are FREE. Happy Independence Day, my little girl.
I know you're playing 'big bad wolf' game with Uncle JT right now.