savasana.

For the last 8 years, I have practiced yoga regularly. My girls and I do a Yoga Tribe where, we try to meet, once a month and practice together [then eat bad food and drink alcohol. its the best.] I took my Amelita with me to the most AMAZING children's yoga studio here in San Diego, called "If I Was A Bird Yoga." She loved it. Some of my best memories include doing yoga with her. I even took Ayzia. Brave started to practice with me as well, and next thing I knew, we were a house of yogis.

Yoga is relaxing, enriching, and, at some point, I will write a massive, obnoxious, supercilious post about how everyone should practice yoga, all the time. (yes everyone. even you, the person reading this right now, shaking their head, probably a dude, going, 'nope, no way, never.' yeah, yes way, ever.  It's not just for hippies anymore. Don't believe me? My badass husband (and make no mistake, he's a badass) is a yogi and swears by it. He and I used to yoga date and would call each other immediately if we had a great class. (He hasn't practiced hardly at all since Amelita got sick, but he's getting back there...it's a journey, remember?)

Anyway, in truth, I have been avoiding yoga. I have not practiced since May, when Amelie started to decline steadily.  It's spiritual and emotional, and there's no hiding from yourself in yoga. I know it would bring a lot up, so instead of yoga on the beach in Hawaii, I slept and ignored the quiet little knocks on the door to my soul....

Yesterday, I finally opened that little door and went to class. I went with a lovely friend who's energy is calming, funny, accepting, energetic. you know, the kind of chic you want to punch in the face b/c she's so pretty and smart and cool? (wait, you mean, that's not a normal reaction? hmmm, ok pretend I didn't say that then...) I knew it would be a safe environment and I was excited to see her.

So class was great, my chi was totally off and that's OK. I couldn't do most of the standing series poses, b/c I am, of course, off kilter, which are usually my favorite and easiest poses.  I got good balance yo. (my mom hates it when I talk like that, btw. #englishteachersasparents) Then it came time for savasana, otherwise known as 'corpse pose' b/c all you do is lay (lay? lie? English teacher mom would know) on your back, arms and legs relaxed, eyes closed, empty your mind. I have gotten pretty good at mediating, so it's been my fav part for awhile. I was ready and willing to lie there (lie? lay? English teacher mom, where are you when I need you), mind empty, no thoughts, no emotion, just total stillness of the mind and body. I'm ready, ok let's do this. or as I like to say, ok let's do nothing.

Then I heard a voice sing. A beautiful, haunting, melancholy voice came through the speakers that immediately caught my attention:

 

"Pick it up, pick it all up.
And start again.
You've got a second chance,
you could go home.
Escape it all.
It's just irrelevant.

It's just medicine.
It's just medicine...."

wait, what is happening right now?? medicine?....it continued....

"You could still be,
what you want to,
What you said you were,
when I met you.

You've got a warm heart,
you've got a beautiful brain.
But it's disintegrating,
from all the medicine.

from all the medicine....."

ummmmm...did I really just hear that?

                                                                                           "....from all the medicine.
                                                     Medicine......from all the medicine....you can still be, what you want to be...."

stop. stop the music. don't.want.to.hear.it.anymore.makeitstop.

So yeah, you guessed it. I totally lost it. bawling there in class on the floor. Where the hell did this song come from, why was it being played right now, what the hell is happening??  Normally, yoga teachers don't play songs with lyrics in savasana [this is usually practiced at end of an asana (yoga) practice]. Savasana is intended to rejuvenate the body, mind, and spirit. In Savasana, practitioners’ breath deepens, and the stress of the day is released. The yogi (in this story, me) forgets all other thoughts and surrenders any psychological effort. While in Savasana, yogis slip into blissful neutrality and reflect on the practice. the key is to surrender. Make space for peace and harmony to fill up your whole being, lying on your back, doin' nothin'. It's sole purpose is to create calmness of the mind. I could go on and on about it (and people have, books have been written for hundreds of years about the pose). I practice savasana every day, no matter what. I often hear God speak to me in those quiet, still moments.  But this time, there was no way I was in a place of "blissful neutrality" hearing this song. and the woman who sings it, her voice is gorgeous, but it's so sad. and she sounds my age. The song is clearly about addiction, but my God, it is eerily identical to my Amelie.

oh, and get this shit:

the name of the band?  is DAUGHTER.

and the song was released in 2011. (same year Amelie was born.)

cuh-reeeeeee-ppy. creepy!!!! are you KIDDING me?!?!? what are the friggin odds? If you cant obviously tell, I'm in disbelief about it. It's messing with me on many many levels.

Seriously, all day long I thought I had heard it wrong and made it all up in my mind. There's just no way. I mean, who would write a song that sweet sounding, about a brain disintegrated by medicine? ugh. and the band is named Daughter? why on EARTH would you name your band that? "Ladies and gentleman, give it up for Daughter!" like, really?

"What's your band's name?"

"Daughter."

"Cool. My band's name is Son."

" Oh nice".

"Yeah, our mentors were the Mamas and the Papas."

"No way! ours too!"

I mean, that is the conversation I imagine this band has had at some point backstage somewhere.

 what the HELL are the odds of something like that? in a class I never go to, in a studio I used to frequent but haven't regularly since before Amelie was born. 

I'm trying to be open to what the f$%k the universe is trying to tell me with this experience, this song and when, I finally return to yoga, this is the class I went to...I can't seem to understand it.

When she sang...."you could still be what you want to be"....well....Amelie always wanted to be a real princess mermaid, sooo......maybe that means her dream came true.

xo

Amelie's Mommy.

{random aside: I had planned on going to yoga again today, but when my therapist called and needed to change my appointment, I jumped on that and was like, "of course! Absolutely!"  ugh. Why didn't I just schedule a massage next door to a doughnut bakery next door to a shoe store instead? that would be much MUCH more enjoyable than all this healing therapy shit.

But it's because I'm trying to NOT get lost in grief. I have heard a lot of other people tell me, 'she was never the same after she lost her child.' I don't want to be the same either. I am already not the same. But I don't want it like that. I want to be better. I don't know how, but I know damn well it's possible. I know b/c I see it in my husband every day.}

xo Namaste xo