Amelie's Angels, I have an announcement....
Braveryboy is now 5 YEARS OLD!!!!!!
Yesterday was his bday, but I was so distracted making sure he had a full day, I didn't even think to post about it. He woke up and crawled into my bed, and we started the day watching videos of him and Amelita. We had turkey bacon, homemade pancakes (all I had in the house was gluten free hippie pancakes, but the box said "Namaste" on it, so I had to buy it. after a little added flour, vanilla, cinnamon, butter and syrup, they were actually quite tasty, if I do say so myself...) and opened more of his bday gifts...then I took Bravery to Alpine.
Amelie's nurse, Charity, has this incredible little farm, chickens, hens, guineas, LOTs of goats, 3 dogs, 1 cat, and 4 adorable massively sized pigs, including one named Jelly, who let me pet and brush her, and she is adorable and I want to take her home. Truth is, I had not seen Charity since two days before Amelie passed away and I have been missing her desperately. I was slightly terrified to look upon her, since the very real fact that our working relationship is over and she was there for me at the hardest time of my life....and she kept Amelie alive many times, but especially that last week. She, her skill and instinct guided by God's divine hands, kept Amelie alive until July 1st, JT's birthday. And she kept me 'alive' in many other ways for months. I mourn not only the loss of Amelie, but the loss of these relationships built around fighting cancer and neurological disease, relationships where the lines between professional and personal become instantly blurred. I love Charity, on so many levels. She's one of the smartest, most self-aware, diversely talented, hardworking, kind hearted weirdos I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. I knew just seeing her would further open yet another wound that hasn't even remotely begun to heal. It's gaping and raw, and just hearing her voice brings me back to a time where I was actually quite happy. In the middle of chaos, suffering, destruction, war-zone like battlegrounds in my house, I had a clarity of purpose that was so beautiful, so holy I didn't want it to end (yes, I recognize how fuckin selfish that is. trust me when I say no one saw Amelie's suffering as acutely as I did). I miss Charity, I miss Amelie's therapists, the doctors, the nurses, her teacher, Miss Candace, even the medical equipment delivery dude was cool as a fan and we always had great talks. I miss it all. I even miss yelling at insurance and third party companies to get Amelie's supplies in on time. My life made sense, it was poetically beautiful....and Bravery still had a sister. She couldn't talk or play with him, but she was breathing and warm, and when he held her hand in bed at night, she made pipsqueak noises and sighed, communicating to him in her own way. He felt her presence the minute he walked into our home. And Charity is the door to that life that's been closed.
So, I said eff that, I'm opening a new door with a new effin meaning, and not all of these relationships are forever ended. I refuse to let Amelie's suffering and death be the limit of love. So, I reached out and, being the angel she is, Charity happily accepted.
I know Brave misses these people as well. I knew taking him there on his bday would be special and significantly more meaningful than another trip to Legoland or SeaWorld (both of which are badass though). We had a blast. It was chill, calm, hot as hell, dusty, and Brave loved it. He finally had Charity's attention all to himself.
Charity had an art project all set up for him, with birthday cupcakes and we had a picnic outside in the shade, where we munched on cold pineapple, cantaloupe (his favorite), sparkling waters (I pretended mine was champagne, in my head), and more cupcakes.
We talked of Amelie's passing only briefly, both of us deftly avoiding the topic until the last 30min of our visit. It was hard to leave. I could have stayed there for hours. I discreetly cried under my sunglasses (so as not to upset Brave) the whole way home.
As a surprise, on the way I picked up Asher, his BFF, and we had a sleepover. with more ice cream. and a hot tub mania sesh. The day ended with the sound of two boys, brothers, not by birth, but by connection, squealing with devilish laughter. It was a good day.
By 10pm he was STILL awake. Flabbergasted and exhausted, emotionally and physically drained, I implored, "dude, why the heck won't you go to sleep?!?!?" he said, "my eyes won't stay closed, Mommy, they don't want my birthday to end." awww, amore.
Happy Birthday sweet Brave, what a joy you are to this family. You are the light, the love, the laughter, the thrilling energy of this house. Our little love bug is not so little anymore. We love you!!!
Buon Compleano, amore.