Big day here.......Bravery started his first day of elementary school today, his "music" school (a public school with a music focus and music based learning). We decided to put him into transitional kindergarten, even though he's the big 5 years old now. Fact is, Amelie required so much time and attention, that we really didn't prep him for Kindergarten (we focused more on Bravery's emotional health during this journey, not his academic learning). So TK with a music focus is our new endeavor.
He's been having a lot of worry about it and we were concerned with yet ANOTHER change in this poor kid's life in such a short time frame.
Hubbs and I got this kiddo up early (and I mean, uuuhhhheeaaarrrrrly) and we were able to be with him the first 1.5 hr, which greatly helped this little bro, with his separation anxiety, who insisted on holding BOTH of our hands most of the entire time! (pretty funny seeing 6'5" Hubbs sit down in a kids chair 1 foot off the ground...seriously, his legs looked like giant praying mantis. i was dying laughing...and all the other moms were curiously staring just a LITTLE too long, if you know what I mean!)
We departed awhile later, and I cried my eyes out the minute I could walk outta there. I so wish Amelie where here today, going to school with all the other kids. (I feel like every blog post is about me crying and crying....well, that's just what's happening right now so deal with it. TRIGGERS man, they'll get ya. they get me!)
I had a moment when I was filing out Brave's enrollment forms, "the health impairments" section. and of course he has none, healthy as an ox. But if I were filling out those forms for Amelie, it would have had to CHECK EVERY BOX:
visual impairment. check.
hearing problems. check.
psychological issues. double check. (thank you, Cancer, for that.)
speech delay. check.
gross and fine motor delays. check. (and thank you, 22Q, for that. Although, before cancer, we were kickin' butt in that arena.)
social issues. check. (don't get me started on how losing her hair affected her ability to meet new little kids.)
anxiety/depression/sleep issues. check. (after being in the ICU so much, she got what's known as ICU psychosis and her circadian rhythm was ass backwards.)
eating disorders. sorta check. (she didn't really have a disorder, but the chemo changed her tastebuds so much that all she wanted was a short list of foods that started with "P", Pirate Booty topping the list.)
It hurt my heart, man, hurt it good. Yet it struck me quickly: it another testament to how grateful we need to be that her suffering has ended. School would have been AMAZING for her, I know it. she LOVED people, she LOVED learning. she loved BELONGING. But it would have been a struggle. Every day a struggle. and this was before her brain started to melt away. I would have RELISHED this struggle, this fight, this 'let's do the impossible' attitude...but she would have suffered greatly.
[LORD, may this gratitude guide me in my grief, in the moments when my longing for her overtakes my whole being, may I always remember how cancer ravaged her little body, and her suffering would have been unbearable for her, let me never take for granted my healthy body, and my other healthy child.]
I was terrified Brave would have a bad or overwhelming day, but, like most of our fears, it was all for not. He LOVED it, he had a ball, and...praise be the LAWD! he is excited for tomorrow! BOOM! Sunshine on a cloudy day! or rather, more sunshine on a sunny SoCal Day!
Day 1 elementary school. check.