Hello Again.

Hello there Amelie's Angels,

It's been a bit. I admit, I haven't even so much as logged onto the blog since Amelie's Celebration of Life. At first it was a much needed respite, then avoidance. You see, I don't know what to write about anymore. I visit all these blogs and I just hear myself saying, "I have nothing valuable or earth shattering to say. I am just another mom with a dead kid." toxic, defeatist, pathetic, I know.

So, instead of trying to fit my thoughts into some little neatly packaged 'theme' blog (I've never fit into any neatly pre-packaged box anyway), instead, I'm just going to write whatever the hell I am feeling, b/c well, my therapist, my friends, the Hubbs, some very kind strangers told me I need to. Mel even tried bribing me (for the record, yes, I do accept bribes). and anyway it's paid for already until next year so why not. here i am.

and, most importantly, I want to keep Amelie's memory alive. I don't know how to do that, (suggestions always welcome) but I want to keep her fresh on the minds of those who were moved by her journey. I'm not ready to say goodbye to her presence, and I'm hoping this blog will help me in that journey.

So, in honor of my blog re-entrance and adding another layer to my path of authenticity, here is a quote I read today that moved me to tears (everything moves me to tears lately, in loving and painful and hysterical ways)

I’m not a mess but a deeply feeling person in a messy world.
I explain that now, when someone asks me why I cry so often, I say, ‘For the same reason I laugh so often—because I’m paying attention.’
I tell them that we can choose to be perfect and admired or to be real and loved.
We must decide.
— Glennon Doyle, Love Warrior

Here's to a new year, a new blog, a new life. One without my girl in my arms, but forever in my heart. One where strength isn't an act, but a way of life, where joy isn't a recourse, but a gift given freely without effort or pretense, where pain intermingles so deep that it actually ignites every cell in the body.

I see you, baby girl, I see you.

 

xo

Amelie's Mommy