one year ago today.

This popped up on my photo thread, "Your Memories from One Year Ago"

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sisters, forever and always.

sisters, forever and always.

To be honest, I'm not even sure how to emotionally process this photo. I wish I could delete all photos of her like this never to be seen again. It's just torture. I was doing ok today, too, until this popped up. It's so beautiful, so heartbreakingly sad, that it constricts my airway at times. What does this pic show? She's miserable. She's living in torture. Right now missing her presence isn't what destroys me most days, it's THIS. The very undeniable fact that she suffered so deeply. I don't quite know how to get past that really, so I cling to the knowledge of her total heavenly redemption, whole in body and spirit in a way so unfathomable I must somehow blindly trust it as concrete reality. .  It's many of our worst nightmares, isn't it? To be trapped inside a body that doesn't move, doesn't work, with a brain that still takes it all in, unable to communicate in any fuckin way. That was my worst nightmare. That is, until it happened to my child. and a new nightmare was born. one that I never predicted, nor even feared, as a mother. even once the cancer journey began, it was still something we never knew was even an option. and there was very little I could do about it.....

...Except bring her best friend over to comfort her, caress her soft hands, wrap arms around her as they slept side by side, and read to her. that was all I could do really as her mother, that and keep her alive for a short while. You know, I really hate these "memories from one year ago" prompts. Sometimes I really don't need to be reminded.