Year One.

Happy One Year Homecoming Anniversary, my darling.

we celebrated you today, at one of our fav spots—sun shinning, wind blowin’, love flowin’.

We gathered at the same time of day as when you went, holding Uncle JT’s hand, to be with God.

I saw you take your last breaths, your chest just stopped moving, your skin lost it’s warmth, it’s energy, your lips blue, your skin translucent like a mermaid. Your spirit left your being. I held your lifeless body in my arms, my cheek pressed against yours, my gift of song faded into sobs, and I said goodbye to my baby girl. My beautiful child, my rib. I saw your body, a head full curls again, eyes closed, smiling, float away from me.

my eyes played tricks on my mind—‘wait—your chest is moving. Are you breathing again?!’  but no. The suffering finally ended. My God thank you, but also a type of longing set in that no words can describe, a type of grief that no love song can imitate. Daddy carried you outside. Your body was placed in a special car for dead bodies. Your small body too small for this van. We placed you in there, wrapped in your blanket, a purple knit beanie covering your head, and I looked through the glass at you, one final time.

your eyes closed as if you were sleeping. You were sleeping, not dead. Not gone. Only taking a nap, right? 

I was surprised how calm and comfortable and alive you still appeared, the tinted glass hid your colorless skin. I only saw you, my girl, lying there peacefully.

I turned and collapsed. The strength and will to live left me, as you drove away. Daddy held me up. He carried me inside. His strength overwhelmed, he fell. I lifted him up. We carried each other. 

We walked into the house, this lovely little house packed full of memories, for the first time, without you. 

It feels as if it happened today, my senses still recall it all as if this just happened. I begged God for mercy. begged him to give all the pain and suffering to me, take if off of you, bc I am the Mama and that’s my job, and I can handle it. and He did.  

You know only light and love. You are PURE light and love, and I proudly carry this grief, until the day our souls reunite without wordly barriers. I give all my grief to Jesus. He carries all my suffering so that I may know God, so that I can feel your presence and, if only for a moment, feel myself apart from myself. True consciousness.

My darling Amelie,  Happy Heavenly Birthday. Come visit me in my dreams tonight so that I can wake tomorrow unafraid.